The telling and keeping of secrets is a time honored social tradition. As far back as we have the written word, we find instances of people telling, keeping, and betraying secrets. The telling and keeping of secrets is one of the basic human traits, in fact the recognition that you have portions of your life that you want to keep private and secret from others, (including parents), is one of the milestones in the psychological development of children. From our youth until the day we die, we share secrets with others and are told secrets by others. These secrets range from casual, gossipy secrets to heart-rending life altering secrets. Unfortunately, the rules/guidelines governing the telling and keeping of secrets are unwritten, uncertain, and to some degree contradictory.
We have all be told that we should "keep a secret" and "be trustworthy". However, we are rarely (if ever) given meaningful guidelines on what exactly it means to "keep a secret" or "be trustworthy"...much less any guidelines, suggestions, or training on how to accomplish these two goals. On the surface, "keeping a secret", seems to be fairly straight forward. Someone tells you a secret. You keep it. End of story. However, in real life things are often not that clear cut. The contradictions we encounter about keeping secrets start early in life. Parents and children go through an elaborate and often confusing ritual where the child is sometimes allowed/expected to keep a secret while other times the child is not allowed/expected to keep a secret. Sometimes we are praised for keeping a secret, while other times we are punished, and the difference between these two extremes is rarely explained to us by our parents, (assuming that they even know). This confusion and lack of clarity about telling/keeping secrets only gets worse as we get older. The rules and guidelines for telling/not telling blur. Social pressure to share your personal secrets blends with social pressure to reveal secrets you know about others. The following sections discuss the nature of secrets, the general expectations of others, pressures to reveal secrets, and general guidelines on how to keep secrets.
KEEPING SECRETS: WHY/WHEN
Why do we need to keep secrets?
Everyone has experiences, memories, and feelings they want to keep private or share only with select people. This need to control parts of our personal lives is universal. Equally strong is our need to share experiences, memories, and feelings with other people. These two needs set the stage for the inevitable situation where we have information that we do not want to share with everyone, but that we do want to share with only with a select few. There is a school of thought that suggests we would all be better off not having any secrets. This same line of thought suggests that secrets are unhealthy and counter-productive. While this approach sounds good in theory, in actual practice it doesn't work nearly so well. Some people do spend way too much time and energy trying to keep things secret that should probably not be secret but there are still some things in life that are appropriate to keep secret. Some common (and perfectly acceptable) reasons for wanting to keep a secret...
People would abuse or misuse the information if they had it.
Not everyone would understand and the information would cause more problems than keeping the secret could cause.
Simply wanting to control facts and information about your life.
When is it inappropriate to keep a secret?
Understanding when it is inappropriate (or ill advised) to keep a secret is perhaps the most important thing to learn. Unfortunately, there are no hard and fast answers for this. Generally speaking there are several general circumstances where keeping a secret may be inappropriate.
When keeping the secret will harm someone else...someone innocent.
When keeping the secret does more harm than telling the secret would.
When the secret is about something grossly inappropriate or dangerous.
Last but not least...when the secret is something that cannot be kept and will eventually come out anyway. In this circumstance, keeping the secret is futile and unless it doesn't take much energy and won't cause more problems down the line you are better off not even starting.
Simply put, this is matter of trust and integrity. When you keep a secret, you show by your actions that you respect the privacy of the person who shared their secret with you. Your actions further indicate that you respect and care for the feelings of that person. Additionally you reveal strength of character and integrity that others find appealing. Everyone knows how tempting it can be to tell a secret or something they know. Everyone knows how difficult it can be to keep a secret when others are trying to get you to tell. Everyone knows how mean individuals and groups (even friends) can be when someone refuses to tell a secret. Anyone who can stand up to all of this pressure and still keep the secret, reveals a side of their personality that people (even those trying to find out the secret) respect.
Makkah Time
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