TENSION AND STRESS - GET SOME RELEASE
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Tension and stress are 2 of life's biggest problems today. It is my belief that they can cause any number of problems within your life. From headaches, to backaches, to poor performance on the job, to a non-functioning family life. How do you get some release? How can you get stress to dissipate?

The first thing you've got to realize is that this is the only moment you have. Other than maybe needing to make amends for past actions or words, the past is gone. There is nothing you can do about it. The past does not hold you prisoner unless you give it permission to do so. But giving it permission to do so is only a figment of your imagination. Because the past does not really exist, it cannot receive permission and you can't actually give it. You are free of the past. Believe it.

The second thing you've got to realize is that tomorrow has not yet come. By all means responsibly plan for the future. But do not let something that has not happened, and may never happen, ruin what you have today. Once again, you must know that you have only this moment in which to live. What may or may not occur tomorrow only has the power you give with your mind and emotions. Turn your mind and emotions away from hypotheticals in tomorrow. Live in this moment. Do it.

The third thing you need to accept completely is that nothing and no one is making you be who you are in this moment except you. That's right. No matter who you may have thought was making as you are right now, you are totally responsible. No you cannot control people or events happening around you or to you. But you can control your reactions to what is going on. As your control these reactions, you can be who you want to be. Be it.

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TALK ABOUT PROBLEMS
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When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other. In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.

For the most part, there are two basic ways talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification. Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.

Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior

When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”

The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.

If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:

  • get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
  • offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
  • hide and conceal similar behavior in the future

The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:

  • increased distance
  • less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
  • the lack of a genuine resolution
  • increased future conflict

A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.

Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings

A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you're so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”

When trying to discuss a problem - it's important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as "I feel..." rather than "It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.

By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:

  • listen to what you have to say
  • empathize with your position
  • discuss the problem in a constructive manner

And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:

  • increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
  • greater potential for resolution and change
  • less future conflict

Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.



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DEALING WITH FEELINGS OF GUILT
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Often people tell their husbands or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, the truth in order to relieve their guilt. Guilt, or feelings of shame, can wear people and make life unpleasant. And there are two ways of dealing with feelings of guilt.

The first option is to confess or come clean. This, however, is not always your best option. Sometimes confessing leads to more problems than it solves. When you admit to doing something wrong, often it changes the way that a spouse or partner sees you. It can create suspicion, hostility, and resentment. And when partners become suspicious, it is hard for relationships to get back on track. In fact, research shows that marriages and relationships work the best, not when everything is out in the open. Having everything out in the open often leads to more conflict, fighting, anger and resentment. And few relationships can survive when negativity between partners becomes the norm. So if a partner is not going to find out what happened, and if the problem is not going to reoccur, it may be best to keep things quiet and learn to deal with your feelings of guilt in a different manner. Causing long term problems in a relationship in order to relieve your guilt may not be the wisest thing to do.
The others options for coping with guilt involve the passing of time or sharing what happened with others. While feelings of guilt can be overwhelming, they are also fleeting. People experience the most guilt when they think they are going to get caught. But, as time passes, feelings of guilt tend to fade away.

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LIVE YOUR LIFE IN THE WAY YOU DREAM
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Many of you want your life to change. However, sometimes that's as far as it goes.

You desire personal development but don't get motivated towards doing anything to change. Unless your thoughts are put into action, nothing will be achieved.

You may hear yourself make excuses. "I really want to change, but I'm too busy to do anything about it", or, "I probably wont be any good at it anyway, so why bother." Unfortunately it's all too easy to make excuses to not get motivated. You have become trapped in your comfort zone! Your comfort zone makes you feel secure, and if you stay there you know you will be safe and that nothing will happen to make you feel any different. Of course your thoughts are correct. However staying in this place of comfort is of no benefit to your personal development.

If you want to improve yourself you have to be brave and step out of your comfort zone and start to live your life in the way you dream. It's not easy to change, but if you spend time doubting yourself before you even try, not much is going to be achieved. If you really desire to change the way you are, you have to believe that you can. Not only can, but that you will, change. You do have the ability to make your life the way you want it to be, but only if you believe this is possible.The way you see yourself is important. If you think you aren't very clever, or not particularly good at anything, this is the way you will be, because these thoughts have been programmed into your subconscious. So what can you do about this? Change the way you see yourself. Start telling yourself that you are clever, you are capable, that you can do this. Repeat positive statements to yourself about whatever area of life you want to improve. Re-program your thoughts until your subconscious accepts this information. If you tell your subconscious something often enough it will believe what it is told.

You may have negative self talk without even realizing. Start to re-program your thoughts by telling yourself good positive information about whatever it is that you hope to improve. Listen as you speak, you may be surprised at how often your self talk is negative. Each time you become aware of this negative thought, turn it into a positive one.

Each day tell yourself you can and will succeed. Repeat this as often as you can. Make all your thoughts about you, and what you are going to achieve, positive. If you stay determined and don't give in you will definitely begin to feel a change in yourself and start to see an improvement in your life. If your self talk self talk is positive you will reap the benefit in the way you desire.








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