LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Do you lose your temper and wonder why?

• Some of it may be the changes your body's going through: All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions.
• Some of it may be stress: People who are under a lot of pressure tend to get angry more easily.
• Part of it may be your personality: You may be someone who feels your emotions intensely or tends to act impulsively or lose control.
• And part of it may be your role models: Maybe you've seen other people in your family blow a fuse when they're mad.

No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain — you're sure to get angry sometimes. Everyone does. Anger is a normal emotion, and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad. What counts is how we handle it (and ourselves) when we're angry.

Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to manage angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop. Self-awareness is the ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and why. Little kids aren't very aware of what they feel. They just act it out in their behavior. That's why you see them having tantrums when they're mad. But teens have the mental ability to be self-aware. When you get angry, take a moment to notice what you're feeling and thinking. Self-control is all about thinking before you act. It puts some precious seconds or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an action you'll regret. Together, self-awareness and self-control allow you to have more choice about how to act when you're feeling an intense emotion like anger.

GETTING READY TO MAKE A CHANGE

Deciding to get control of your anger — rather than letting it control you means taking a good hard look at the ways you’ve been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and screamor say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt yourself, or push and shove others around?

For most people who have trouble harnessing a hot temper, reacting like this is not what they want. They feel ashamed by their behavior and don't think it reflects the real them, their best selves.

Everyone can change — but only when they want to. If you want to make a big change in how you're handling your anger, think about what you'll gain from that change. More self-respect? More respect from other people? Less time feeling annoyed and frustrated? A more relaxed approach to life? Remembering why you want to make the change can help.

It can also help to remind yourself that making a change takes time, practice, and patience. It won’t happen all at once. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. As with any skills, like playing basket ball or learning the piano, it helps to practice over and over again.

MANAGE YOUR ANGER

If something happens that makes you feel angry, this approach can help you manage your reaction. It's called a problem-solving approach because you start with the problem you're mad about. Then you weigh your choices and decide what you'll do.

Each step involves asking yourself a couple of questions, then answering them based on your particular situation.

Let's take this example:

Your neighbour told you that he saw your niece attacked your daughter when you were not at home.

The red-hot anger starts building.

When you're in a particular situation that's got you mad and you need to decide what action to take, HERE’S WHAT TO DO:

IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM (self-awareness).

Start by noticing what you're angry about and why. Put into words what's making you upset so you can act rather than react.

Ask yourself:

What's got me angry?

What am I feeling and why?

You can do this either in your mind or out loud, but it needs to be clear and specific.

For example:

"I'm really angry at you because you came to my house when I am not there and…you attacked my daughter!. You’re naughty! You must end your relationship and cut off your contact with her completely and permanently!"

Your feeling is anger, and you're feeling angry because you might not get to understand what has happened.

Notice that this is not the same as saying,

"You’re so naughty!"

That statement doesn't identify the specific problem (that you came to my house and attacked my daughter) and it doesn't say how you're feeling (angry).

THINK OF POTENTIAL SOLUTIONS BEFORE RESPONDING (self-control).

This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage your anger. It's also where you start thinking of how you might react — but without reacting yet.

Ask yourself:

What can I do?

Think of at least two things. For example, in this situation you might think:

(a) I could yell at her and throw a fit.

(b) I could ask her to take times, ask her what’s wrong, listen to what she’d say, identify the causes of problems and identify whether your niece attacked your daughter or your daughter attacked your niece. Problems can occur for many different reasons. Learn to listen and to value openness. Consider if it's worth breaking up their relationship. Also consider that she is your niece, and you will have to deal with her fairly often. Carefully consider before you do anything, because being "at war" with your niece can get really ugly fast.

CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES OF EACH SOLUTION (think it through).

This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of the different reactions you came up with.

Ask yourself:

What will happen for each one of these options?

For example:

(a) Yelling at her may get you in worse trouble or even grounded.

(c) Asking her takes times then you may find the answers because if you listened long enough to her words, you'd find the reasons. Once you identify the reasons, it will be easier to eliminate the/their problems. Don’t you think? This option, you get to know the reasons for their problems so you don't have to worry about it for a while/anymore.

MAKE A DECISION (pick one of your options).

This is where you take action by choosing one of the two things you could do. Look at the list and pick the one that is likely to be most effective.

Ask yourself:

What's my best choice?

Once you choose your solution, then it's time to act.

CHECK YOUR PROGRESS.

After you've acted and the situation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went.

Ask yourself:

How did I do?

Did things work out as I expected?

If not, why not?

Am I satisfied with the choice I made?

Taking some time to reflect on how things worked out after it's all over is a very important step. It helps you learn about yourself and it allows you to test which problem-solving approaches work best in different situations.

Give yourself a pat on the back if the solution you chose worked out well. If it didn't, go back through the five steps and see if you can figure out why.

These steps are pretty simple when you're calm, but are much tougher to work through when you're angry or sad (kind of like in basketball practice when making baskets is much easier than in a real game when the pressure is on!). So it helps to practice over and over again.

June, 22

Kids fight. It's as simple as that and is a child behavior to be expected. Kids fight with each others for a multitude of reasons; parents and providers often have the difficult task of knowing when to let it run its course and when to intervene and take action. Kids can fight for the silliest reasons that seem utterly illogical--even humorous to adults--but it can become a friendship maker or breaker in the minds of young children. Siblings will also fight over the most mundane issues; where to sit, who is touching whom, whom daddy loves most, or which sucker is the better-tasting one (when they are exactly the same). Sound familiar? Of course, because kids fighting is a child behavior that is part of growing up. Having said that, there are things parents and providers can do to help minimize or keep kids from fighting at all.

Ignore kid fights.

Of course, this bit of advice comes with the caveat that there is no true harm (physical, emotional or mental) being inflicted. In that case, intervention is a must. But most kid fights are merely annoying squabbles and adult intervention delays the process of children working it out themselves. Fighting is often a way for kids to get attention--and for some kids, negative attention is better than none at all. If adults ignore the fighting and don't let it become a "center stage" in the home or location, it becomes less of a reason to do it. One parent has declared the extra bedroom in her home as "the fighting room." Whenever her kids or friends of her children fight, she simply tells them to take it to the "fight room" and not come out until it is worked out. She doesn't want to hear any noise or disruption. The result, she says, is that it is not much fun for anyone.

Equality is a must when dealing with the child behavior of kid fighting.

The quickest trap an adult can get into is trying to investigate who started the fight, and who said what and then what caused the escalating issue. Taking sides or doling out punishment differently sets the stage for labeling victims and bullies. In most cases, the punishment should be the same: no exceptions. Again, the goal is to take the challenge out of fighting and strip any initiative for "winning" or "losing" a fight.

Teach kids ways to peacefully and cooperatively discuss solutions other than fighting.

Even very young children can understand the basic issues of fairness and no fighting. Talk to youngsters about fighting and other ways that a problem can be resolved. Always set the ground rules of what can be done and what can't to resolve an issue (for example, yelling, crying, or hitting or definite problem-solving no-no's). Ask them to come up with ideas, and then let try them. You might be surprised at their solutions, and they may know what works best. One family's children always fought over movie night and which video to watch. The parents said they would not intervene; however, any movie that was not mutually agreed to by both kids was placed on the "no watch" list. If the kids rejected all the movie options (which was occurring as a power struggle), then the end result was no movie night at all. After this occurred once, the siblings were more inclined to reach a common decision.

Provide positive strokes when kids get along.

Praise, praise and then more praise works wonders in helping to build positive child behaviors. The key point is to ignore fighting and then to lavish attention when they're caught acting right. Children will quickly get that hint.
Be a positive role model.

You can't expect kids to not fight and bicker when they observe it regularly among adults. Parents must serve as role models as to how to cooperate and get along with others. Set the example of expected behavior at all times.

Calm under pressure.

Kids watch how adults behave and act when they are mad, disagree with something, or take issues. Calm under pressure and self control sets a positive example. If kids are old enough to understand, adults can talk with kids about how they feel angry or mad in a certain situation. Ask children to play a game of being angry or mad and what options they can take instead of fighting or yelling.

Kids fight for many reasons and how adults react if they must intervene also helps to shape the course for future kid fights as well.

If adults yell, embarrass, shame, or dole out angry or strong words, the result actually could be that the annoying child behavior of kid fights occurs again.

Try and eliminate, at least minimize, occasions for fighting.

Consider all the reasons kids fight, and do what you can to take those incentives away. If they fight over where to sit at the table each evening, assign spots, and then rotate them, if necessary. Do they fight over colors of any object? Buy the same colors. If they fight over who sits by mom, then the rule is mom sits by herself. Or, if they fight over the size of a piece of dessert or pizza, for example, then the one cutting the slices is the last to get to choose the piece. Know when youngsters are at their worst, such as when they're tired or hungry or just had a bad day, and minimize any potential fight zones. Children need to know they are loved equally and are special, regardless of how they act, but that you as an adult feel most happy when they are at their best. Sometimes a hug and/or a kiss is all a kid needs.

A positive self image is one of the most essential things we can have in our quest for happiness. It is also very important in being able to find love and create a healthy relationship.

Your self image is the way you see yourself. Your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about what kind of a person you are. Many people have a negative image of themselves which has no valid basis in reality. It is all too easy to focus on our bad points, and ignore or dismiss our good qualities. Human beings have a terrible tendency to focus on what’s wrong rather than what’s right.

To improve your self image, there are many things you can do. These things can include reading uplifting books or articles, using affirmations, and in some cases therapy can be wonderfully helpful. A negative image can be deeply ingrained and quite difficult to get rid of. Changing a negative image to a positive one is incredibly important. Encourage yourself to make it a priority if your image of yourself is less than healthy.

Let’s focus on the importance of a healthy self respect in the pursuit of love and happiness.

Feeling bad about yourself creates negative energy. People are attracted to others who have a positive and joyful energy. Think about the people you really like being around. They make you feel good, right? This is because they feel good, about themselves, and about life in general.

Not many people enjoy being around others who are negative, unless they are also pretty gloomy themselves. The old saying about misery loving company does often hold true. If you want people to enjoy being around you, and you don’t want to attract only miserable types, it’s time to focus on creating a positive outlook and self image.

When it comes to finding love, there are a few aspects of relationships that can be affected by the image we have of ourselves.

The first is that others tend to take their cues from the way we think of, and treat, ourselves. If we see that someone is kind and respectful towards themselves, we believe that this is the way that they should be treated, and we follow their lead. If someone is very negative about themselves and acts as if they don’t deserve love or kindness, we generally assume that they know best!

If you have a poor opinion of yourself, and don’t believe that you are worthy of love, potential partners pick up on this belief. Most people will not stick around to persuade you, and themselves, that your self image is wrong, and you are indeed a wonderful person who is worthy of love and happiness. Whether it is conscious, or subconscious, we usually believe that the image other people hold of themselves is true.

Do you pity the beautiful but chronically unhappy woman who always chooses neglectful partners? You are simply reflecting the feelings she has of herself and projects to the world. On the other hand, you most likely have respect and admiration for the bus driver, who, despite not being wealthy or especially handsome, has a good self image and is happy and upbeat.

We often like or admire people in direct proportion to how much they like and admire themselves. If you want to have genuine love from a partner, the place to start is by creating that quality of love for yourself. Another way relationships are affected by our self image is our ability to give love. If you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with your only lifelong companion (yourself!), it is very unlikely you can love anyone else in a healthy way either. We learn to love by first loving ourselves.

In romantic partnerships, very few people with a positive self image will want to be with someone who is critical of themselves, and as a result, equally critical of their partner.

It can take a lot of time and effort to transform a negative self image into a positive and loving one, but there are few better ways to use your time and energy. A healthy self regard is one of the biggest assets you can ever have. It will benefit you in so many ways, not only in relationships, but in every aspect of your life.

Feeling good about yourself makes you happy. It makes other people happy too. Positive people are inspiring to be around. Believing you deserve love and happiness acts as a magnet.

Expecting to be treated well by a partner is the very best way to achieve just that, and knowing how to love yourself means you also know how to love others. In a romantic partnership, the ability to give and receive love is the basis for a healthy and happy relationship.

Try affirming that ‘I am a worthwhile and worthy person. I have unlimited love to give to myself and others. I deserve love and I am open to receiving everything good in life.’ This may feel very uncomfortable at first, especially if you truly believe the opposite, but stick with it. You will eventually begin to believe it if you repeat it often enough!

With time and patience, you can transform your self image into the kind we are all born with but too often lose as we grow up. An image that tells you loud and clear that you are worth it!

Is this normal or is it a problem?

"A few months ago, I began a friendship with a male. We became best friends. Most of the time we talked a few hours like we were having a special relationship but always deep in my heart I would tell myself that we were just close friends, nothing more. Lately he started to change. He did not contact me and he was not as caring as before. I know I can't do anything about it and that's why I am trying my very best to accept the fact that he cannot be my closest friend anymore, the friend that I can be with almost all the time. I did many things that I love to do to keep me busy but he’s still there hanging onto my thoughts!. I hope you can help me.”

DEAR ..It is very upsetting to see someone who was your best friend, cut you off and act detached, like nothing ever happened. Your thoughts keep gravitating back to the past when you felt so close, shared so many experiences and really felt understood and comfortable with each other. It hurts to have that disappear. The pain and frustration you feel is justified and it's going to take time to heal the void that you are experiencing. You had a wonderful relationship with this person and you were not prepared to lose him so soon. Many people feel exactly the way you do when they have had a close relationship with their sister, brother or adult child. All of a sudden, their best friend is gone or now sharing their thoughts and time with someone else.

He will always have a special place in your heart and no one can take away the wonderful memories you've shared. In the future when you fall deeply in love and connect with a man on an emotional level, you'll finally be able to see that this relationship served a purpose for a limited amount of time and it was never meant to be anything but a friendship. As you continue to mature and look back on your life you'll see that many people come and go and are in our lives for a short time. It's normal and not a problem........others are meant to be around for a long time or even a lifetime.

Unfortunately, time is the only thing that will heal the frustration, hurt and pain you feel - NOTHING ELSE. It takes time to get over a relationship with someone you cared about. Everyone has a different time clock. Give yourself permission to grieve your loss and in time it will get less and less painful. If you do bump into them, I know that your heart will pound and your face may be flushed but you can and should say, "Hi" and smile. Act as if you already are what you will be in the future - happy, independent and approachable. This way you always leave the door open.

"Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny." Chinese Proverb, Author unknown

Telling the truth is important in a close relationship whether we like to admit it or not. Telling the truth is difficult because it typically involves telling something that he/she does NOT want to hear.

Before you tell the truth, it is often wise to consider what you hope to accomplish by doing so. Are you trying to hurt someone or make your relationship stronger?

If you ultimately decide to tell the truth, what is the best way to do it?

What are some practical things you can do to make the truth easier?

Time and Setting – Do it in private and when he/she has time to cope with the information. For instance, pick a time when he/she can reach out to others for support. Do not disclose unpleasant information in the middle of the night or when he/she is on their way to work. Put yourself in his/her shoes; if you had to, when would you want to be on the receiving end of unpleasant information?

Prepare Him/Her – Right before you disclose the information, tell him/her that you have something which you need to talk about - that you need to disclose something which may be difficult to hear. And it helps to ask him/her to listen and react calmly to what you have to say.

Be Descriptive – When disclosing information, try to be descriptive rather than evaluative. In other words, describe what you have done or what may have happened without blaming him/her. Take responsibility for your actions. The truth is difficult enough to hear without blaming him/her for the situation (even if he/she may be partially responsible).

Expect the Worst – Imagine the worst case scenario and prepare for it. Will he/she need time away from you? Or will they want to ask you a lot of questions? What do you think his/her response will be?

Resist the Urge to Defend Yourself or Fight Back – The truth can be very painful to hear. And when people are hurt or in pain they often lash out at or attack the person they believe to be responsible their feelings. Typically, the best way to deal with such a situation is to avoid fighting back. Rather, try listen to and acknowledge his/her feelings. And it helps to resist the urge offer explanations or excuses (even if they are asked for). Generally speaking, when people are hurt or in pain they need to feel understood before they are willing to entertain excuses or explanations for what may have happened.