LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Do you lose your temper and wonder why?

• Some of it may be the changes your body's going through: All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions.
• Some of it may be stress: People who are under a lot of pressure tend to get angry more easily.
• Part of it may be your personality: You may be someone who feels your emotions intensely or tends to act impulsively or lose control.
• And part of it may be your role models: Maybe you've seen other people in your family blow a fuse when they're mad.

No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain — you're sure to get angry sometimes. Everyone does. Anger is a normal emotion, and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad. What counts is how we handle it (and ourselves) when we're angry.

Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to manage angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop. Self-awareness is the ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and why. Little kids aren't very aware of what they feel. They just act it out in their behavior. That's why you see them having tantrums when they're mad. But teens have the mental ability to be self-aware. When you get angry, take a moment to notice what you're feeling and thinking. Self-control is all about thinking before you act. It puts some precious seconds or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an action you'll regret. Together, self-awareness and self-control allow you to have more choice about how to act when you're feeling an intense emotion like anger.

GETTING READY TO MAKE A CHANGE

Deciding to get control of your anger — rather than letting it control you means taking a good hard look at the ways you’ve been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and screamor say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt yourself, or push and shove others around?

For most people who have trouble harnessing a hot temper, reacting like this is not what they want. They feel ashamed by their behavior and don't think it reflects the real them, their best selves.

Everyone can change — but only when they want to. If you want to make a big change in how you're handling your anger, think about what you'll gain from that change. More self-respect? More respect from other people? Less time feeling annoyed and frustrated? A more relaxed approach to life? Remembering why you want to make the change can help.

It can also help to remind yourself that making a change takes time, practice, and patience. It won’t happen all at once. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. As with any skills, like playing basket ball or learning the piano, it helps to practice over and over again.

MANAGE YOUR ANGER

If something happens that makes you feel angry, this approach can help you manage your reaction. It's called a problem-solving approach because you start with the problem you're mad about. Then you weigh your choices and decide what you'll do.

Each step involves asking yourself a couple of questions, then answering them based on your particular situation.

Let's take this example:

Your neighbour told you that he saw your niece attacked your daughter when you were not at home.

The red-hot anger starts building.

When you're in a particular situation that's got you mad and you need to decide what action to take, HERE’S WHAT TO DO:

IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM (self-awareness).

Start by noticing what you're angry about and why. Put into words what's making you upset so you can act rather than react.

Ask yourself:

What's got me angry?

What am I feeling and why?

You can do this either in your mind or out loud, but it needs to be clear and specific.

For example:

"I'm really angry at you because you came to my house when I am not there and…you attacked my daughter!. You’re naughty! You must end your relationship and cut off your contact with her completely and permanently!"

Your feeling is anger, and you're feeling angry because you might not get to understand what has happened.

Notice that this is not the same as saying,

"You’re so naughty!"

That statement doesn't identify the specific problem (that you came to my house and attacked my daughter) and it doesn't say how you're feeling (angry).

THINK OF POTENTIAL SOLUTIONS BEFORE RESPONDING (self-control).

This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage your anger. It's also where you start thinking of how you might react — but without reacting yet.

Ask yourself:

What can I do?

Think of at least two things. For example, in this situation you might think:

(a) I could yell at her and throw a fit.

(b) I could ask her to take times, ask her what’s wrong, listen to what she’d say, identify the causes of problems and identify whether your niece attacked your daughter or your daughter attacked your niece. Problems can occur for many different reasons. Learn to listen and to value openness. Consider if it's worth breaking up their relationship. Also consider that she is your niece, and you will have to deal with her fairly often. Carefully consider before you do anything, because being "at war" with your niece can get really ugly fast.

CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES OF EACH SOLUTION (think it through).

This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of the different reactions you came up with.

Ask yourself:

What will happen for each one of these options?

For example:

(a) Yelling at her may get you in worse trouble or even grounded.

(c) Asking her takes times then you may find the answers because if you listened long enough to her words, you'd find the reasons. Once you identify the reasons, it will be easier to eliminate the/their problems. Don’t you think? This option, you get to know the reasons for their problems so you don't have to worry about it for a while/anymore.

MAKE A DECISION (pick one of your options).

This is where you take action by choosing one of the two things you could do. Look at the list and pick the one that is likely to be most effective.

Ask yourself:

What's my best choice?

Once you choose your solution, then it's time to act.

CHECK YOUR PROGRESS.

After you've acted and the situation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went.

Ask yourself:

How did I do?

Did things work out as I expected?

If not, why not?

Am I satisfied with the choice I made?

Taking some time to reflect on how things worked out after it's all over is a very important step. It helps you learn about yourself and it allows you to test which problem-solving approaches work best in different situations.

Give yourself a pat on the back if the solution you chose worked out well. If it didn't, go back through the five steps and see if you can figure out why.

These steps are pretty simple when you're calm, but are much tougher to work through when you're angry or sad (kind of like in basketball practice when making baskets is much easier than in a real game when the pressure is on!). So it helps to practice over and over again.

June, 22